The Who and What…

Who am I and what am I about…

I am certain this will be the hardest post I will ever write. Primarily because, I have never been a fan of the neatly packaged, “this is me”, introduction phase of relationships. In fact, I have written no less than four drafts already. Here is to lucky number five.

Over the years the people that have most impacted my life have been what I call “credible witnesses”. You know, those stories people share that transform your view of their words. Those stories bring real meaning and leave lasting impressions. Some are Christians, some are not. Some I know personally and some I saw speak or read their book. None of these people sat me down and told me their life stories right off the bat in an effort to establish trust and credibility. It came little by little over time. So, I will not start our relationship by telling you my life story, which will come with time and at differing levels depending on the topic. But I do feel I need to dive a little deeper regarding, where I came from, and the things I always fall back on as certainties. At the very least, so you have some background as we tackle the complexities of life’s challenges, most notably suffering.

30,000-foot view…

Early in my teen years, I experienced a shaping trauma. Up to that point, I would describe my life as happy and uncomplicated. Then everything took a turn one year that marked the beginning of a time I call my “seven years of darkness”. The driving motivation for me during those seven years was to avoid feeling the deep and wide pain I was drowning in. At best, a teenager is ill-equipped to handle all the standard uncertainty and emotion marked by that life stage, let alone navigate events that most well-adjusted adults lose themselves in. The way I chose to navigate the pain was to push it down and cover it up. I busied myself with distractions and activities until all that was left was numbness. At some point, the numbness became deafeningly dense. Then, my strategy transitioned from pain avoidance to trying to feel something/anything. In the end, I became a shell of myself, giving away pieces of my here and there until I did not even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

When I was 20 years old a group of girls invited me to church. Believe it or not, the church had been a part of my life during the seven years of darkness. The idea of God was something I was fine with, but the reality of God was beyond my grasp. He felt more forced than comfortable or safe. Church was a place to put on a nice dress and appear put together. I did, however, agree to go to church with them. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Pivotal Point…

The church was packed mostly with college-aged people. The music was unlike anything my little Southern Baptist church back home would have played. And the pastor was super young – like maybe thirty, young. Additionally, he was loud and mildly annoying. Nonetheless, I was not there to really get anything out of it except an “A” for effort. The pastor was preaching in the Old Testament on Ecclesiastes. Despite my annoyance with him, I had a nagging need to go back and hear what Solomon decided was meaningful in this world. Guess I was listing after all.

Every Saturday Matt, the pastor, became a little less annoying and a little more pertinent. It was Chapter 7 that crushed me. Verse 26: “I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.” And another sucker punch, verse 28: “while I was still searching but not finding – I found one upright man among thousands, but not one woman among them all.”

The air left my lungs, and it was as if Matt was looking at me when he spoke his interpretation of those verses. He said, “Solomon’s desire to know a woman deeply is stymied by his lust, and women have lost their souls and are just bodies to him. And so, as he sits across the dinner table and a woman unpacks her hopes and dreams, he sees only her breasts, and he has, by his sexual addiction, damned himself to shallow, lust-driven relationships that have left his heart bitter and full of despair…. As believers in Jesus Christ and according to the creative order, men were not designed by God to have sex with bodies; they were created to make love to souls.”

There I sat more empty and lacking definition than ever. I was soulless. All these years I had looked to people to define me, fill me up, make me whole; when they saw nothing more than a body willing to be used up and thrown away. I allowed them to treat me as disposable. I practically asked them to. Then the tears started, and they would not stop. The weight of my sin was suffocating, it was disgusting and overwhelmingly dark. In the same instant, there was light, and weightlessness, and comfort like I’d never known. It was the Holy Spirit. He was saying, “enough, you are mine!”, Isaiah 43:1. And my tears transitioned from those of hopelessness to those of being wholly loved. Even at my worst, my dirtiest, Jesus sat down next to me in my puddle of mud and held me close, Romans 5:8.

When Sanctification Really Hurt…

Between the ages of 20 and 27, I was blessed with amazing women that poured into my life. They were patient, kind, generous with their time. They could see me for much more than I could see myself. The concept of redemption became real to me. Grace upon grace, upon grace, was given to me by the Lord and I could feel it. His protection became all the clearer as comfortable sin became less and less comfortable. When I was 25 years old a relationship that I was deeply invested in ended. I was devastated, as most are when these things happen, but it was the first time I ever felt peace about myself in the end. It was the first time I thought, “It is okay if it did not work. I cannot be everyone’s perfect girl; I can only be me and I am okay with that”. It was the first time I really loved who I was no matter who loved me back. Redemption and progressive sanctification were starting to bear their fruit.

Just in time too. From ages 25 to 29 I was mostly single. The longest stint of singleness I had ever experienced since I started dating at 16. It also marked the hardest season I have ever faced. At 27 years old I was diagnosed with triple-negative, BRCA positive, stage 2, invasive ductal carcinoma. In other words, Breast Cancer. As I am sure we will get into later, my BRCA mutation is extremely aggressive. I was told that any recurrence would surely end in death, so shoot for the moon, hit it with the whole kitchen sink. The whole kitchen sink being, bilateral mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation, and a full hysterectomy. Did I mention I was 27 and super single?

Finding my “yeses”…

There is so much more than the clinical ramification of cancer. People really cannot fathom it until you are in it. This was the first time in my seven-year relationship with God that I really had to put my money where my mouth was. Did I really believe God was good all the time? Did I really believe he could heal me? Did I really believe, even if he did not heal me, that he was enough? Did I really believe he was worth it? These were not questions that I answered once and held fast to. I wrestled for a season with them. I fell apart. I turned towards tangible things, empty things, that ultimately left me feeling alone. No matter how dark or how deep I got in my suffering God always showed up. He held me tight. He was steadfast in his love for me. When I found my yeses to those questions above it changed my whole perspective.

This is where I stand in the face of life’s challenges:

Root yourself in Truth – temporary fixes, momentary flashes of empty pleasures only leave you feeling more alone, more empty, and more lost than you did before you reached for them.

Nowhere in the Bible does it promise an easy, comfortable, happy, pretty life. It says you will not thirst again (John 4:14, Jeremiah 31:25, Luke 21:34). Augustine said it like this to God, “You have formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” The Bible says God is enough, in all things and for all things we face or need. It says you will suffer (2 Timothy 3:12) but this present suffering is nothing compared to the glory revealed to us in Heaven (Romans 8:18, Hebrews 11:35-39, 40, Philippians 2:8-11). It says that God will not leave you or forsake you (Psalms 55:22, Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:5). It says that only with God will you find the fullness of life (Hebrews 12, John 10:10). It says that God will work all things for good (Romans 8:28).

Prayer is one of the most powerful tools you have, use it.

God always shows up when I cry out to him. Whether it is a verse that pops into my head, a song that resonates with me, a friend that calls, or a peace that comes, He always shows up. Additionally, I felt/feel the prayers of others constantly. When I look back on all my hard times, broken hearts, or disappointments I can see God. I see Him either in protection, provision, or sometimes a divine rebuke. Our pastor says, “Pray what you got”. That can be as simple as, “I do not see you in this, and I need to. So, please show up.” Or as heartfelt as, “You suck in this.”, “What are you thinking?”, “I hate you right now.”, “God, help my unbelief!” God can work with the honest state of your heart. (Mark 9:24, Philippians 4:6, Hebrews 4:16, Hebrews 13:6, 1 Peter 5:7 1 Thessalonians 5:17) He cannot get through when you are unwilling to be honest with yourself.

Know your worth – selling yourself short or trying to be something you are not leads to guilt, shame, and exhaustion.

God loves you so much that He died for you. He made the days for you. (Romans 5:8, Galatians 1:15-16) You are the only you the world will ever know. God intricately made you and thoughtfully put you together (Psalm 139:13-14). Do not short-change yourself or others by swimming upstream in someone else’s river. If the above is true, then why do we try so hard to hold it all together, to appear perfect in the eyes of others, or fight like hell for the approval of others? God already knows you, loves you anyway, and is your biggest fan (John 10:11,14-18, Matthew 7:9-11). Seek Him and stand tall in who you are in God (Ephesians 5:1). Know your worth.

Finally, know your place.

You are not big enough, good enough, strong enough, smart enough, so on and so forth. You are human. You cannot bear the weight of the world. You cannot hold it all together. You cannot navigate life perfectly. Give yourself the grace to be human. Let others in to help you. And throw it all on the one that is big enough, good enough, strong enough. He is begging you to. (Philippians 3:3-9, John 6:29, Matthew 11:28-30, Romans 3:20, Galatians 2:16)

Praying that as you walk through your darkness, or your biggest fear that you are brave enough to wrestle with your “yeses”, and let God show you who He really is.