Trusting when you can’t see…

Trust Issues…

Trust is a squishy subject for me. I would love to say I freely give trust without hesitation from the moment I meet someone. That as relationships develop and inevitable selfish acts of recklessness occur, I can see past the current wounding and extend grace. Unfortunately, that has not been historically accurate. I give what I am able, from the perspective that they have yet to do anything that would warrant less than complete trust. Once that is broken, however, I am done – guards up and heart closed. Gaining trust back is an extremely long hard road. This is also a symptom of my forgiveness problems, but we will save that for another day.

As I watch my girls interact with different people I am reminded of the time in my life when things were simple, clear cut, and easily navigated. Known adults were trustworthy and good. They were there to help and protect you. There was good and bad – plain and simple. All parents loved their kids as my parents loved me. All kids were safe places and just as innocent and trustworthy as I was. Danger and fear were not things that crept into my daily thoughts. Then one day, all that changed. My black and white world had become infinite shades of gray. Not all adults are safe or have my best interest at heart. Not all parents loved as my parents did. Not all people followed the rules. The worst part was my adolescent brain believed that if my parents knew what happened they would never see the same, or would stop loving me. In an instant, the world became a scary, dark place that I did not know how to navigate.

I have touched on this previously, but it is worth mentioning again. For the next seven years, I would walk through the darkest season of my life, until I met God. In those seven years, I learned how to put on a happy face, keep people at safe distances without them realizing it, and make swift exits when things got too messy or too hard. Over those seven years, on rare occasions, I would let people get close. Without fail, we would come to a place where I thought I was loving them well by stepping in instead of out of the mess only to be given a stiff arm and cold shoulder. The more I fought for our friendship the more rejection seemed to be piled on my heart. Over and over that affirmed my guarded nature and defensive posture. Eventually, the belief that I was not worthy of lasting deep relationships kept me from expecting and pursuing them at all. This belief left a string of almost amazing friendships all around me.

The Light Shines in the Darkness…

When I met God, He sat down next to me in my proverbial puddle of mud. When I think back on that moment I literally see myself covered in filth, disgusting by any measure of the word, and someone I would be completely repulsed by. Jesus, however, is as far from that as possible – clean, fresh, light. He puts His arms around me without hesitation. He draws near enough that I can feel His breath on my cheek, and whispers “enough, you are mine.” Who does that? Who would choose to enter into an intimate relationship with a person that cannot even make friendships stick? God would and He did.

Now just because I had this profound encounter with God does not mean that I was instantly transformed and it was super easy to trust Him. Nope! In fact, it was quite the opposite. My belief that I was not worthy, that I was disposable, and easily replaced made it very difficult to trust in the goodness of God. I repeatedly went back to what was predictable and comfortable. Over time, what used to provide fleeting moments of happiness had become uncomfortable and the release from pain I once got now felt dirty and dark. Every time, He was gentle and kind, quick to forgive, and continued to pursue me. Why? God is longsuffering. (Exodus 34:6; Numbers 14:18–20; Psalm 86:15; Romans 2:4; 2 Peter 3:15). It is part of His unchanging character. His patients and consistency are what built, brick by brick, the trust I have in God.

I often look back on my relationship with God and think of how I would have responded to me if the roles were reversed. I would have shut down and boarded up. I may have maintained some shell of a relationship with myself, but would not have continued to seek me out and pursue a deep intimate relationship with me. How much more did I offend, break the heart of, and pile on rejection to a perfect God’s heart? And yet, He knew I would and still sought out a relationship with me. God’s love for me is awesome, and I don’t mean that in the way a 13-year-old girl uses it to describe her new lip gloss. I mean it in the way you feel when you are standing on top of a mountain or the feeling you get when you look over the edge of the Grand Canyon. It is awe-some.

Over the last 17 years, life events have given me several opportunities to choose to trust God or stay in the comfort of known outcomes and predictability. The more I chose God the more He showed up and the more my trust in Him grew. These are not effortless steps for me. Oftentimes, I wait as long as possible before taking the step towards Him. Oftentimes, I have to come to a place where not taking the step towards Him is unbearable, and standing still is too much. Every time I take the step towards God, He blesses it. Some examples of this in my life are:

• Ending a relationship that I thought would be my forever because he didn’t believe in God took my breath away, but God blessed that step.
• Being diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 27-years-old with no husband to love me through that made me really dig into God. I really put my money where my mouth was when it came to my belief in Him, and God blessed that step.
• When I decided not to do all the recommended treatments for my cancer because I could not find peace, God has blessed that step.
• Letting go of all illusions of control when my husband lost his job and went all-in on a new career (did I mention, we had a newborn, just bought a house, and I wasn’t working?), God has blessed that step in unimaginable ways.
• And now as I write this post when my daughter’s fever won’t stop climbing, and antibiotics aren’t working as expected we place her in God’s hands and take the step as they come. I know He will bless these steps.

Then the still small voice of fear whispers, “What if… What if God is not real?”

Fear or Faith…

In times of hard faith and great need you have to step out, lay the situation at the feet of Jesus, and trust that God will show up. For a split second, before I take the step, I feel my breath catch and fear prick my consciousness. “What if God is not real?!” “What if I do this and it doesn’t turn out well, because God doesn’t show up?” “What if the conviction I feel or the peace that comes is nothing more than a delusion?” Have you ever had that moment? Trust is hard for me… I thank God that He loves the hard-to-love people with patience and gentleness.

The Bible teaches us that the Word of God is truth and in it, our path will be revealed, (John 17:17, Psalm 119:105). So, if I read my Bible, know God to be real, trust that He has me, why do I let this fear seep in during moments requiring real faith? I want Him to stand in front of me and layout His five-point plan for this season of life, and then I know I will have the security to step in faith. But, that’s a lie. If I look for that to be the secret sauce to faith in the Bible it is easy to find examples where Jesus did that and the people closest to Him still missed it. The truth is I am no better than Philip in the book of John when he asks Jesus how to know the Father – literally right after Jesus says if you know me, you know the Father, (John 14:8-14). Or Peter who is pumped up with crazy confidence because he’s just seen Jesus feed the 5000, and not even 24 hours later Peter sees Jesus walking on the water towards their boat. He asks Jesus to command him to meet Him on the water. Jesus does and Peter jumps out of the boat onto the water and begins to walk towards Jesus! Then, Peter takes his eyes off of Jesus, sees the high winds and big waves, then immediately splashes into the water (Matthew 14:29-31). If a guy Jesus stood in front of and spells it out for can’t get it, or a guy that literally walked on water with Jesus cannot holdfast to the power of the Lord, then why do I think I can? No, only obedience in faith grows trust. God has always shown up, He has always provided, and yet I still have the question. I still have the “oh crap, I am walking on water moment”. “… O you of little faith, why do you doubt?” Matthew 14:31.

Staring at Jesus, and Glancing at Everything Else…

As I take time to reflect, my doubt is more a fear that He will show up but not in the way I want Him to. Or if I stand bold in the power and goodness of God, He’ll make me prove it. If I pray, “God I give this to you and ask you to care for me, heal me, provide for me”, what if His answer is something I do not want? What if His answer is “no” when I want a “yes”, “go” when I want a “stay”, or worse “stay” and I want a “go”? What if His answer is uncomfortable? What if He asks too much of me? I want all my prayers answered with the answers that I have already decided are best. But that is not what following God is all about. It is His will, not mine, (Matthew 6:10). It is for His glory and my good, (Ecclesiastes 12:13).

Following God is uncomfortable. It is not about me. The best for me may not be what I want for me. Sometimes He might say no, stay, or go. And when the world looks at it and says why would your God do that? Well, I simply say, “I don’t know, but I know God is good – way better than I could be – so I trust in that”. I am here for HIS glory and MY good. When the story isn’t about you, you can see the sacrifice and love for what it is. You can be open-handed with the things of this world because it is not your stuff. He has taught me that I am worthy of being fully known and loved unconditionally anyway. He has taught me my voice is worthy of being heard. He has taught me that I do believe God is good all the time, and that God is enough. With every uncomfortable trail or step of faith, He reveals idols I did not even know I had and reveals himself/his plan to be better than the things I am clinging to and sitting in.

Taking the step of faith is always scary. God forgive me – it is still scary. Thank God that He knows that, and I can bring that to Him too. So often I pray the words of Mark 9:24, “I believe; help my unbelief!” His proven trustworthiness allows me to risk my heart and extend the grace given to me for the people in my life. I now stay when things get messy and work through all that life throws at me to build deep-rooted friendships. Most days I believe God when He says I am worthy of all the goodness He has for me.

Thank God that He is in the mess. Thank God that He is longsuffering and loves me with patience, kindness, and gentleness. Thank God that He died for me so that I might know His mercy and receive His grace. Thank God that sanctification is progressive, and I am not required to be perfect. Thank God that He is perfect and completely trustworthy. God is faithful to fulfill his promises, steadfast and unchanging, He is the central theme of the story. I believe that. Now, what will I do with that belief? What will you do with it?