Happy New Year!

Resolutions and Goal Setting

January 1st! Do you know what that means? Resolution time! Who loves New Year’s Resolutions?

I bet everyone that said “yes!” also loves goal setting and vigilantly maintains daily To-Do lists. Do not worry, this is a safe place. I like lists too. I even see the value in goal setting. Resolutions, goals, lists all facilitate a plan or roadmap. A measuring stick for how things are going. They provide a way to ensure you have an opportunity to self-correct before ending up way off track.

As you begin the new year planning sessions, please let me ask a few questions.

• Are you someone that sees the value in the effort even if the ideal outcome is not the result?
• Are you someone that sees progress, no matter how small, as a positive worthwhile investment of your time?
• Do you see failure as a learning opportunity and adjust for the next time?
• How easily do you pivot when a plan changes?
• Do you have trouble letting an unfinished list go?
• Do you consider the ideal outcome as the only option for success?
• Do you measure your worth and that of others based on the standard of success you have designed for yourself or them?
• Do you often find yourself being overly critical?
• Is your fear of acceptance or failure driving you to be more, do more/be better, do better?

Depending on how you answered the above questions you may be entrapped by perfectionism. Webster’s definition for perfectionism is, “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable”. Who defines what perfect really is? Surely my definition of perfect is different than yours. Webster’s definition is, “a quality or condition that cannot be improved”. As I researched perfectionism I really liked an article published in Christianity Today that said, “Perfectionism is simply an addiction to control and a refusal to accept imperfection in some human endeavor.” In my experience, both battling perfectionism and encountering others perfectionism, I have found that the underlying motivation is, in fact, control and pride.

Our culture holds perfectionism in high regard. To be acceptable, loveable, successful you must… (pick your poison):

• look a certain way, tirelessly fighting the hands of time
• have a certain title and earn a certain salary
• know and/or are respected by certain people in society
• travel often – by plane, preferably to a place that speaks a different language
• collect or indulge in high end things
• eat clean, workout in a way that is noticeable – if the program requires extreme dedication, you get extra points
• be an environmentally conscious consumer
• appear to have a incredibly happy marriage
• appear to have well behaved, talented, exceptional children

Does any of this list ring true for you? I am sorry if I sound harsh. Trust me, I am not saying this from atop my perfect pedestal. I fit on this list in more than one place. If nothing fits on this list for you, do not despair. There are endless ways perfectionism works itself out in our lives and my list is by no means exhaustive.

I recall when I was a young girl, in elementary school, I showed signs of innate perfectionism. I say innate because some of us are truly born with a bent towards ridiculously high self-standards, expecting more from ourselves than we can ever deliver alone, and an inability to process and recover well from failure. One of my daughters is an innate perfectionist, and I have seen it in her since she was 2 years old. Others of us have learned perfectionism. Somewhere along the way someone that we loved, trusted, and looked up to define our identity crushed us with the weight of their expectation, their measure of perfection. It could have been a parent, sibling, coach, boss, or spouse. No matter who it was, their perceived conditional love created a narrative still ringing in our ears today.

Nevertheless, I was blessed with a mother that did not hold perfect as the standard. She saw me and coached me to love myself – failures and all. She told me plans fail, things change, and the failure/the change is what it is. The important part is that you recover, make a new plan, and try again. “Always have a plan B, C, and D.” I heard her say that to me over and over throughout the years. She still says it to me. But it was not until I was faced with something so big, so unimaginable that I really heard her.

Full disclosure, I still get stuck in cycles of perfectionism, or white-knuckled control. It primarily rests in the areas of my life revolving around work or my role as a wife and mother. My perfectionism is not projected onto others. Although, I do take responsibility for others as if their choices/responses reflect me. For me, the lie starts with an “if only” whisper in my head. If only I could lose ten more pounds. If only I could keep the house clean. If only I could say it in a way they would hear me. If only I could present an amazing solution to our problem. If only I could think two steps ahead. The “if onlys” grow into plans for achieving them, that morph into requirements for success, which breathe life into measurements for being acceptable, loveable, worthy to myself and others around me. When I can achieve my “if onlys”, watch out because I feel like I can fly and I have little grace for others in similar circumstances. When something throws me off or I am met with failure watch out, I withdraw and isolate myself in a swirl of shame and harsh self-criticism. Does anyone else have a similar cycle?

Plan B

When I was 27 years old my life looked nearly perfect. I was climbing the corporate ladder. I had two amazing upper-level mentors. I just bought my first house. I did CrossFit five times a week. I ate a strict Paleo diet. I lived in a city with an endless selection of places to go and things to experience. I had wonderful friends that were like family. The only thing left to do was to get married and have babies and live happily ever after.

And then, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was not even a cancer I could hide. It was Breast Cancer, and because it was genetic, they wanted me to chop them both off. How was I supposed to meet the perfect guy for my perfect life when I did not have boobs?!

That is the super surface side of my Breast Cancer story in a tiny nutshell. The other side is the label, “cancer survivor.” Who wants to take a risk on a cancer survivor? Who wants to build a life and have babies with a cancer survivor? Not only that but a cancer survivor with a genetic predisposition. No amount of “if only” would make all that easier, or better, or bearable, but that is where my brain went first. If only I could get this under control.

I sought the best surgical team, the best oncologist, and a nationally renowned nutritionist that specialized in cancer. I had a plan for how I would combat all the harsh chemicals given to kill my cancer. I worked out with a personal trainer that prided himself on mastering unusual cases. I continued to be a productive team member at work throughout all my treatments. Nothing about this was going to take anything from me, on paper. I felt good about my ability to control the outcome and survive. Not only that but control my environment from that point forward so that this would never happen again. I had a plan to be the most informed cancer survivor that ever lived.

Plan C

Three years before I was diagnosed with cancer my cousin, Mika, was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. She was the second in the family to have been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. We had an aunt that had stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, was given 6 months to live, and surprised everyone by celebrating 17 years cancer-free that year. I recall vividly Mika telling me that our cancer responds really well to chemotherapy, but if it comes back, you are done for. Now, you must understand, we also had, an uncle that had Renal Cancer and was given a few years to live, but he had far surpassed his shelf life by 8 years before his recurrence. While it did end his life, he lived much longer than the doctors predicted overall. And still, another uncle that had Prostate Cancer and was doing well with no recurrences. Mika was on the other side of three years without any recurrence. For a BRCA cancer that is an enormous success. A false sense of control developed regarding my ability to beat cancer.

Mika had her first recurrence, right about the time I crossed my one-year mark. Being a cancer survivor, especially a BRCA cancer survivor, you are never free from the burden of recurrence. You are simply waiting for it to happen. The aunt I mentioned above was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 20 years after her battle with Ovarian Cancer ended. The uncle with Prostate Cancer died of Pancreatic Cancer about three years ago, with decades between the two cancers. My cousin, Jessica, whom I have talked about before, was diagnosed three years ago, had a recurrence, and died this past year. Mika has battled her third recurrence for the better part of the past year and now has a new spot on her lung. She is classified as living with metastatic cancer. They will treat it as it comes, but it will continue to come more and more until it takes her life. Presuming something completely unexpected does not first.

Here I sit, 8 months pregnant, faced again with the reality that I am just waiting until my next bout with cancer. Surviving becomes a higher-stakes game with every passing year and every added blessing. My desire to control is a frenetic buzz in the background of my day. It is consuming. I play a game with myself that goes like this, “if only I can do more research on reducing inflammation, then my cells won’t break and I will survive long enough to see my girls grow up”, “if only I can choose the right next step regarding a hysterectomy, then I will get to see my grandchildren”, “if only I can stay one step ahead of it all with functional medicine, then I will keep this disease away from my girls”, “if only I could eat the perfect diet coupled with the perfect workout plan, then I will get to grow old and wrinkled with my husband”.

Plan D

Are you exhausted yet? I am. The truth is, I was the healthiest I have ever been in my life when I was diagnosed the first time. The truth is, I have family members that did all the recommended preventative things, and cancer came back anyway. The truth is, regardless of cancer, I am not promised tomorrow. The truth is, my days were numbered before I took my first breath (Psalm 139:16, Job 14:5).  I can choose to walk in the weight of “if only” or I can let go. I can trust in God’s steadfast, unchanging character. I can trust that no moment of worry will add one hour to my life (Matthew 6:27). I can trust that His plans are better than my plans (Jeremiah 29:11). God’s ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts, and by higher I am certain it means better (Isaiah 55:8-9). I can choose to walk in the freedom that my life is a beautiful blessing and an opportunity to love as I am loved, to forgive as I am forgiven, to hope in the promises fulfilled on the cross. I can choose the unshakable joy given to me by a God that promises He will never let me walk through anything alone and that he will sustain me no matter what the day holds (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8, 1 Chronicles 28:20, Genesis 28:15, Psalm 34:18, Matthew 10:29-31). It is hard to wake up every day and surrender the day to the Lord. Hard is not the right word, it is by grace alone that I am able to surrender my day to the Lord (Hebrews 4:16), but that is what I must do every day.

My daughter has gotten into the habit of telling me she does not want me to melt. We watched Frosty the Snowman for the first time over the Christmas holiday and now she is so worried I am going to melt. Sounds cute and funny, but it is actually heartbreaking. I have to look into her beautiful eyes as she holds my face and tells me she loves me and ensure her that I will not melt – knowing someday I probably will. I just pray it is a day far, far away from today.

Making plans, striving for excellence, being a high achiever, wanting nice things, maintaining a healthy lifestyle are not bad things for your life. They just cannot be what you base your worth on or the worth of others. You have to be able to appreciate the failures and the curve balls along the way. You have to be able to bounce. You cannot be so focused on the trees that you miss the forest (Luke 10:38-42). No amount of willpower or white-knuckled control will bring the love, comfort, security, acceptance, affirmation you are looking for.

This is where I try to rest… I try to focus on being present with my girls, my husband, and others around me. I want my girls to know that perfect is not the goal. Jesus died for us because we can never be enough (Romans 5:8). The goal is to know yourself as a perfect creation in Jesus – failures and all. Love yourself for who you are right now and who you are becoming. The goal is to see others for who they are – a perfect creation in Jesus. To love others for who they are right now and who they are becoming. Life is a whole journey, one in which you get to control very little. Embrace the whole journey, not just what you can fit your hands around.

Where are you struggling with control? Maybe the best resolution you can make this year is to seek peace in knowing you are not perfect and cannot be as long as you draw breath. To give yourself the grace to be messy where life is messy right now. And ask God to open your heart to the hope you have in His promises that give way to unshakable joy regardless of circumstance. Praying 2022 is a year of immeasurable blessings for you, dear friend.